It is with some trepidation that I begin writing here in this new place amongst strangers about this journey I've been on these past few years. This is to be a journal of sorts in which I plan to write of me, who I am, and the testings of which I've been a part.

I cannot say that I've made much progress.  Indeed, one could say I've fallen into the traps in which Sevan has described in the book, The Code of the Matrix.  Still, I feel if I write about my follies, in a sense confess them, at least on some level I can clear them out and get on with it, trying new things and perhaps even creating a new life for myself and my children.

The day I was baptized into the Church of Christ was the day I became engaged to my now x-husband.  At that time, I thought that God had changed my world so much that life would never be the same.  In many ways, it wasn't.  I became a wife and a mother and a teacher and the wife of a deacon in good standing.  I loved my home and my daughters and my husband.

In one summer, it all came crashing down when our church split and my husband split and I realized that everything I loved wasn't any more.  It has taken me a very long time to see how what I believed in then was truly a fairy tale.

Someone introduced me to the Secret and I became entrapped in that magical experience in which I tried to believe more in myself than in God.  I think I've been contending with god ever since and have been losing (or at least getting beat up pretty good).

  • I have learned the Church is not what the members want to believe it is. I joined the church out of fear for my salvation and became puffed up.  It became inevitable that I should fall and lose everything.
  • I have learned that compassion and love are in short supply in the human race, that following the rules means everything especially for people who have professed love for me.
  • I have learned that I was trying to reach outside myself to bring God into my life rather than seeing the divine within myself.

I know all this sounds rather sad, but it isn't really.  It is more of a new beginning in which I allow myself to really learn and to become a strong woman with a focused intention to live life to the fullest, aligned with source, to be her healthiest, and to love her best her family, and to live joyfully in her community with strong friends in alignment with this mission.

Joyfully yours,


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